FATHER'S DAY FLOP.

Yesterday was Father's Day and I blew it.

I will be honest and say that I didn't muster up the energy and creativity that is usually required for making a person feel special.

I woke up tired and grouchy, I messed up the meal I had in mind, and I didn't plan ahead. I went by the liquor store to pick up J's favorite drink, only to find I was too late and it was closed. Don't even ask me about the gift I bought because that didn't happen.

I will admit that I spent most of the day defensive, telling myself that we are "so over" these holidays, and because our budget is tight we had no options. I will say, however, that if we had skipped over Mother's Day, I would have felt hurt and my job as a mother would have felt even more thankless than it often does.

These holidays are stupid, yes, but sometimes when you're as lame as I am, you need public, nationwide shaming to make you stop being a jerk. Here goes.

Watching J army-crawl his way through the experience of becoming a father has been absolutely humbling. We started our journey of parenthood blindsided by fear, overwhelmed by change. The weeks and months following Finn's birth are nothing for me but a blur of ugly, painful, mascara tears (just kidding, I definitely wasn't together enough to be wearing mascara then). I get anxiety just recalling those memories. I felt swallowed whole by the experience. And yet, while I was adjusting to the demands of motherhood, J was adjusting to the demands of fatherhood and an extremely rigorous graduate school program simultaneously. The amount of pressure he had to perform under was inscrutable. And perform, he did.

For this summer season, J is staying home with Finn while I work. I am familiar with the rhythms of his days at home, having experienced them for most of Finn's life. They feel mostly slow and frustrating, with little bursts of pride, excitement, and maddening, deep love. Your spouse comes home tired, feeling overworked, and guilty about time spent away. You want nothing more than the small thrill of an adult conversation, a task completed start to finish, and to replenish the energy that somehow a day at home has drained. I can't imagine anything better for a parenthood partnership than for your typical roles to be reversed for a time. I am so grateful to find myself in a position that allows me to better empathize with the demands of the working parent and my appreciation for J has only deepened and my pride in him has completely soared.

J, when I think about where we started as parents and where we are today, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the ways in which you've grown, as painful as those experiences have been for us. You have stretched through these growing pains in a way that I admire and you have developed into a father that even a control freak like me can't help but learn from. I would tell Finn how lucky he is to have you, but I know there is no need. I can tell he already knows that by the way I see him look at you every single day.

ON MOTHERING, OR NOT.

As my years and experiences in this life add up, I feel a heaviness surrounding the celebration of Mother's Day. I wrestle with how I can best lend an ear or a shoulder to those I know who struggle with the role that motherhood has played in their lives. I shed tears with the couples close to me that must accept the frustrating and heartbreaking news of a negative pregnancy test each month. I lament with the friends and family who have had to say goodbye to their babies before even a look was exchanged. I pray that no one I know should have to face the devastating news that it is time to say goodbye to their infant or child.

Today, my dear friends, I think of you. I struggle, deeply, with the guilt of knowing that I have been blessed with something that you long for. I ask your forgiveness for the times in which I have taken my role of motherhood for granted, especially in your presence, and thank you for how gracious you have been in the midst of my shortsightedness and selfishness. I am so very grateful for the ways that you have mothered me and my own children -- we need you. Whether you are a mother, or you desperately long to someday be one, or have chosen another vocation entirely, I lend my support as you discern your identity and purpose both in and outside of motherhood. 

AND WE'RE BACK! // MONTH EIGHTEEN.

My dear readers, I think I'm finally ready to touch this little corner of the internet again. I took a long, unscheduled break as our family trudged through the stress and busyness of last semester, and it carried on well past our holiday travels. Poor J has had so much on his plate:  multiple GRE tests, PhD applications/writing samples/recommendations, the presentation of a paper of his at a conference in the Midwest, and, of course, the normal workload of the semester. I actually think we handed that season quite well, despite the mountain of challenges.

Now J has roughly ten weeks left of his time at Duke. PhD application results are rolling in, slow as molasses. The snow is melting and Spring is just around the corner. We're constantly reworking the math to figure out if we can afford to live on a meager stipend for the next five years. Oh, and I'm pregnant. (We are thrilled! More on this later.) We are on the cusp of so much change right now that I'm finding it impossible to live in the moment. I've never been known for my patience, and I'd rather start making all of these adjustments now. Nevertheless, here we are and I must wait.



Anyway, as usual I would like to take this time to rant and rave about the preciousness that is my firstborn. Finnegan is a whole year and a half now. His personality is huge, his sense of humor is remarkable, and his eagerness to experience and understand is simply inspiring. He has finally decided to pick up a couple of words:  dough-jee (doggie), kiggy (kitty), nine-o (dino), mum (more), hun-gee (hungry), and so on. These words are peppered throughout his usual strangely commanding baby talk, which probably gets him the most attention by strangers, only second to his red hair. His answer to nearly every question is "no," with exception to one (this is possibly the most tear-inspiring -- for me -- development I could share:  if I ask Finnegan if I love him, he gives me lots of huge, enthusiastic nods of his head. Tears... forever. He also always, always, always offers a kiss to Mama. He has a whole mouthful of teeth, really; he got eight all at once over Christmas and I think we're just waiting on those last molars now. He has grown into a lanky little guy, with skinny arms and legs and an impressive belly. He developed a fear of the dark and likes to sleep with his door open now. He loves other kids and is so wildly tough in his spunky play that it is almost concerning. "You really let him fend for himself, don't you?" a mom said to me the other day at the playground. "...Yeah, he doesn't really need my help." Its true.

Finnegan's current hobbies include:  walking backwards, dancing to any/all music, singing the Handy Manny song, exploring the outdoors, playing with cars and trucks, touching (destroying) all phones and laptops, eating blueberries, doing somersaults, making phone calls, talking about doggies, wearing my shoes, knocking on doors, and waving to bu-dee (birdies).

A LUMBERJACK HALLOWEEN.

Happy Halloween, happy All Saints Day, happy November (my favorite month, tied with February). We had a great couple of days, partying with other babies at my work's little party and later welcoming my in-laws to town with arms wide open. It is so great to have them around:  and for an entire week! This year, Finnegan was Paul Bunyan, complete with his sidekick Babe the Blue Ox, although he couldn't be bothered to even hold the cute little plushie I made him. (And without his props he kind of looked like a skinhead. Oops.) I keep piling all of these little things I make for him in his bed, hoping that some day he will show interest in them. Only time will tell. But that is beside the point... he looked pretty handsome if you ask me.



Woah, Finnegan has grown a whole lot since last Halloween.

EASTER 2013.

The best way to describe this feast of Easter is FULL. We went to an extraordinarily beautiful and moving Good Friday service, during which Finn decided to start crawling (!!!), indulged in hot cross buns, attended a really wonderful and celebratory Easter mass this morning, and finished off the rest of the day playing with some of our sweetest and most life giving friends, The Monroes. This family is full of life, creativity, passion, excitement, and so much sweetness.





See what I mean? We scarfed down delicious food, impeccable desserts, some delicious cocktails, and spent the afternoon enjoying the beautiful weather. Spring in Durham seemed to show up just in time to allow the renewing nature of Easter to appeal deeply to the senses. It was truly a wonderful day.







Family portraits & Finn's bowtie courtesy of my mom-inspiration, Mary.

TRADITION-MAKING.

Finn got his first Valentine's Day card from his sweet Great Grandma Fern.

Unfortunately for me, she asked Finn to be her valentine before I did. He accepted. Better luck for me next year?

Valentine's Day is inexplicably one of my very favorite holidays. I love an excuse to be sappy sweet to Mr. J. Bones, I love the red and pink and hearts thing it has going on, I love an excuse to bake something delicious, I love eating tons of candy, etc. Now that that slightly embarrassing admission is out of the way, I'll get to my point. I have curated a little tradition:  every Valentine's Day I bake Justin cinnamon rolls to prove my undying love, and this year was no exception. I whipped up a batch of Smitten Kitchen's Cinnamon Swirl Buns (they did not disappoint!) and had them waiting for Justin when he got home from school yesterday (we had to celebrate a bit early because of the unfortunate Lent/Valentine's overlap this year).

This whole thing got me thinking.  Something that stuck out to me as "not ready for a family" was this feeling that I wanted to uphold some really meaningful traditions for us but I wasn't yet sure what those would be. Now that Finn is around, I keep telling myself that I need to develop some before he starts to form memories.

So I come to you for help, dear, sweet readers:  What traditions do you uphold with your family? Which ones were meaningful to you growing up?  What do you plan on doing with your future family?

P.S. Happy Galentine's Day, girlfriends. I'm about two steps away from getting this crazy.

MERRY MERRY MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS PT. II

Ferny Lou, best grandmother that ever was.

Finn and my mother checking out the travel organizer that I sewed up especially for our trip out here.

It is nearly impossible to find a picture of me and my boy.

Christmas Day for our little family of three started at church, and then we headed over to the house where I grew up and had a wonderful breakfast with my parents and little brother and then exchanged gifts.  It was a wonderfully sweet morning.  Over the next couple of days, Finn's great grandparents all rolled into town to become acquainted with this sweet little cherub.  It was so great to see him smothered in kisses and love by such wonderful people.

The best Christmas miracle of all, however, was that all in one day, Finn decided to hold himself up on his hands, roll front to back and back to front, and even exhibit some almost crawling-like little wiggles.  This kid went from completely helpless to sorta kinda mobile all in one day.  It is so exciting to watch him figure each of these milestones out.  I am so proud.  And so glad that my whole family got to watch this on hold while we're on their side of the country.

P.S.  Here is the tutorial for the travel organizer that I made.  I am completely in love with it.  It made keeping all of our boarding information and important documents organized in a sea of chaos that is traveling with a baby.

MERRY MERRY MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS. PT I.

Christmas! In San Diego! It's happening!

We flew to San Diego a week ago and haven't stopped soaking in all of it's goodness for even a second since. After a long day of flying, followed by a sleepy drive from LAX to San Diego, Finn finally got to meet his Grandpa, Auntie Liss-Liss and Uncle Jonathan.  Since then it has been a whirlwind of Sushi Deli, Luigi's, Plate of Slop, The Mission, In-N-Out, Zanzibar, The Neighborhood, and so on. Christmas Eve and Day were so, so wonderful.  Christmas Eve is always spent with Justin's family, dining at only the fanciest of restaurants, and then we gather around Justin's parent's tree and exchange gifts.  Finn was mostly nice to us at the restaurant and slept alright in his stroller, allowing me to stuff my face with an expensive steak and brussel sprouts and duck curry and ahi tuna.  I always have so much fun at the dinner that the excitement of the gift exchange is almost forgotten.  We took a few portraits when we got home that turned out really sweet, except the one of Justin and I turned out very blurry (maybe because someone had too many sips of dessert wine).

More to come on Finn's first Christmas Day... when I can pull myself away from hangin' with family and friends.

THANKSGIVING 2012.

I must say that this year might take the cake for my most favorite Thanksgiving ever.  It was filled with wonderful friends, lots of cooking together in my tiny kitchen, games games games, and some really, really exceptional food.  I think what made it so special, besides the wonderful company, was how makeshift and goofy it was.  My household (apparently) doesn't even have enough basic dinnerware pieces to feed a mere seven people, so we had to borrow a lot and it all turned into a sweet little hodgepodge of love.

Are you ready to be seriously impressed?  For a grand total of seven people, we had:  turkey, stuffed acorn squash with mushroom gravy, mashed potatoes, homemade bread, winter fruit salad, green bean casserole, greens and pear salad, cranberry relish, butternut squash soup, stuffing, gravy, sweet potatoes, lime salad, cumin seed roasted cauliflower, golden beet salad with cider vinegar dressing, apple pie, pecan pie, peanut butter blondies with chocolate ganache, orange banana bread, and wine wine wine wine wine forever.  Not only that, but we're just about done with our third of the leftovers and it's only been 24 hours.

By the way, Finn's cap was made by our sweet friend and can be found here.

JOYEUX HALLOWEEN.

Happy Halloween, friends!  Finn's lucky I had a little work party to show him off at, otherwise I would have dressed him up and we'd have just stared at each other at home while his Papa rolled his eyes from across the room.  This was such a fun and easy way to dress up a little floppy body.  Surprisingly, he didn't mind his little beret one bit and I was able to make that plus his little kerchief in about 10 minutes.    I love this little French bebe.