POST BABY BODY SAGA.

"Is this normal?"

That is the question I set out to ask my doctor today. I made the appointment, citing my reason being that I had a few postpartum questions. Really I only had one and it had nothing to do with my health and everything to do with the humongous crater below my belly button. I thought that there was no way this could be normal and because I like to take the martyr route as often as possible, I was hoping to find out that I just had a case of really bad luck with my post baby body.

The doctor did not feed into that desire at all. "Make sure you moisturize those stretchmarks a lot! They will start to look better... it just takes a couple of years." When the doctor alluded to plastic surgery after I was done having kids, I knew I was doomed. I could never have plastic surgery (!!!) in light of all of the body positive preaching I try to do. Time to get used to it, I guess.

Step number one was going to the pool in my pre baby bikini in which my weirdo stomach and stretchmarks are probably completely overlooked because of how ill fitting my suit is now.

But back to my question: "Is this normal?" I truly had no idea, because (as I've mentioned before) I can't think of a single person that I've ever seen with stretchmarks, post baby or otherwise. Either I'm an extremely detail disoriented person (I'm not) or all y'all are doing a great job of keeping those hidden away (you are). Well, just tonight I was inspired by this photo series by Jade Beall, "A Beautiful Body" and plan on flaunting my mother-beast super body all summer long (and please, please, PLEASE flaunt what you've got too!). A little context goes a long way, and when you realize that you have plenty of allies working with the same stuff you are, you start to feel totally awesome.

Photo Credit:  Jade Beall

PROMISES FOR A NEW YEAR.

I'm not big on New Years Resolutions basically because I know myself and I'd be setting myself up for failure.  Last night, however, I got to thinking about it over dinner while JN and CN told me about theirs.  The last weeks of Justin's semester were brutal:  Finn started teething and stopped napping, I had a lot more on my plate at work, I was making Christmas gifts and rounding up the ones to be purchased, preparing for our trip to California, and Justin was at school all day, every day, only to come home briefly for dinner and rush back to the library until midnight.  I thought about writing on the chaos that was my life during that time, about how overwhelmed I was by Finn, but the internet is forever, friends, and I can't just commit the thoughts I had about leaving my baby at a monastery to the World Wide Web, only to be used against me later.

But I digress.  In a sea of responsibility, I was feeling pulled in a million directions all at once, only to find that I wasn't doing any one single task very well at all.  While at work, I missed Finn and wished to be with him.  While doing bookkeeping from home, I wished to be cooking a meal while also feeling frustrated that Finn required so much constant attention.  While with Finn, I often wished I could be doing anything else.  He was so miserable and whiny and I was in need of a break in a really big way.

With all that said, my goal for the coming months is to work on my mindset when tackling responsibility or experiencing the joy that is my son.  When I am with Finn, I will really be with him.  He can have my full attention (as much as I am able to give it).  We can play and he can stick his fingers in my mouth or poke me in the eye and I'll (try to!) not get angry when he won't let me relax and I'll be more invested in him, instead of simply keeping him quiet.  Soon enough, he will soak up my every look and sigh, and when that day comes I don't want him to feel as though he is a burden that distracts me from the rest of my life.  On the other hand, while I'm at work I will be fully engaged.  I won't juggle my responsibilities while texting Justin a question that can wait or ask for an update on Finn when I already know that he is perfectly fine.  If I immerse myself more fully in what I'm doing in the moment, I think my stress level will decrease and I will find joy in a deep breath and the satisfaction of a job well done instead of worrying about my next step or my to do list at work while I'm at home.

The other promise I'm making to myself is to stop talking poorly about my post baby body, which admittedly happens a TON.  I'm officially done because yeah, there are things I'd like to change, but I'm sick of worrying about it and ready to get on with my life.  I'm healthy and I need to keep reminding myself of the thoughts I recorded here.  All is well.

I AM A BODY.

Pregnancy and childbirth have made me feel so many new things about my body that I could probably dedicate an entire blog to that journey.  My body and I had finally made our peace with each other in my early twenties after a long decade of mutual torment and we were living mostly happily ever after.  Then I found out I was pregnant and spent the next month and a half living on Sprite and Saltines (and sometimes BBQ) and puking up a significant amount of my weight.  Once the morning sickness subsided I found myself feeling equally proud of my ability (like it was a choice or something) to keep my weight down and worried that my baby wasn't getting the nutrition that he needed.  It turned into the first of many tests in which I had to decide if I would put myself or my child first.